A divorce is difficult, even more so because it is one that many people do not discuss. As a divorced woman, I wish there was some advice that would have helped me to express myself during the “grieving” process that accompanies divorce. We spoke with Master Communication Coach, Cheryl Clarke to share some tips on how to move from break-up to breakthrough:
It is very true that many people don’t speak out about their failed marriages and/or relationships. That’s why myself and my husband have co-authored a book entitled the Power of the 4 A’s; to be released by the end of this year that speaks to this very subject.
It’s important to recognize that there can be enormous amounts of emotions that may be hitting you all at once during the grieving process of divorce. This is where understanding the grief process is really important. Just because the marriage has ended doesn’t mean that you have come to end. As a seasoned psychotherapist/communication coach I share with my clients the importance of recognizing it is a PROCESS. It’s imperative to seek out help to allow healing to occur. Once you find a safe space to share and learn coping skills. Eventually, you will begin to re-establish a new sense of self, so that one day you will be open to new possibilities of a new healthy relationship after the loss.
Three major takeaways one can learn after a relationship has dissolved is:
1. How to have a successful disagreement and avoid a break-up.
In most relationships, there will be disagreements. However, one of the biggest takeaways regarding communication during disagreements, is nine times out of ten you are not communicating you are talking.
Most people think that Talking and Communicating are the same thing. There is a major difference between “talking” vs “communicating.”
Talking is expressing and uttering words with the intent to share an idea or information (at times it works, other times it doesn’t). On the other hand, communicating is a successful interchange of thoughts, feelings, and information. In which you’re speaking with the intent to enhance the process. When a couple cultivates the skill of communication, the couple won’t say things they might regret. They will only communicate words to restore peace.
2. Self-acceptance
Self-acceptance is one of the most important ingredients needed before entering into any relationship. It is an individual’s satisfaction or happiness with oneself and is necessary for good mental health. The more you accept and love yourself, the more stable you will be overall. However, the truth about accepting oneself is the prerequisite to be able to accept your relationship, your spouse, or anyone; truth be told. Starting with self speeds up the healing process because you gain personal insight and self-awareness of your behavioral patterns. Self-acceptance plays a major role in your decision for a healthy, happy co-existence with your next potential relationship.
3. Embracing the Art of Release
Some relationships come into our life just to simply teach us how to gracefully release and bless them. Learning the art of releasing the person and the situations involved; you will remove any obstacles that might be still in your way from moving on. Embracing the release allows you to see what you have learned and unveil the wonderful opportunities that are awaiting you in the future.
Everything you need to activate your breakthrough in your life already exists. The problem is often that your mind is blocking you from seeing it. By Activating the Art of Forgiveness it will catapult your life in the right direction to move your from break-up to breakthrough.
Start by learning to forgive yourself. Often, we are left unaware of the guilt, sadness, and remorse that we hold over our heads. Confronting these emotions can be very scary. This is why there is an art to forgiveness. You are a masterpiece a one of a kind, so don’t rush the forgiveness process.
- Sit down.
- Get a journal and begin writing. Allow the feelings to come to the surface. Writing all of it down will give you the room to learn from the past, forgive yourself, and only refer to it for feedback to aid you and/or others in the future. In your journaling, note what happened, your feelings, and what you learned.
- You can also speak to someone who you deem “safe” and who can handle your emotions and your pain.
- Finally, forgive yourself. Commit to yourself that you will never treat yourself poorly nor live in shame.
This exercise is not about doing things perfectly, but when practiced often enough the feeling of being uncomfortable with self will dissipate. Learning how to forgive yourself can be a transforming opportunity that will aid you in forgiving others. The process of forgiveness is a pathway to take you from your break-up to breakthrough.
Cheryl A. Clarke is a Psychotherapist and a Master Communication Coach. She inspires, motivates, and engages individuals to make a difference in their lives. Doing so by using their story to heal and become unstuck in their communication. Visit cherylclarkemotivation.com for more information. Let us know how you’re navigating your break-up to breakthrough.
