As life continues to unravel, I am on a constant journey through “the unknown.” I am becoming more of who I am and along the way shedding who I used to be.
We’ve all worn masks at some stage in our lives, many of us still do. But the question is, what is behind the mask and who exactly are you hiding from?
Many of us remain behind this mask because we see what happens when we step out. For being black, for being a woman, for being gay. We are shot, we are stabbed, we are bullied, we are ridiculed, we are disowned, we are labeled, we are forgotten… BUT we are human. Has society forgotten that #gaylivesmattertoo or is it just #blacklivesmatter #bluelivesmatter?
Since I was eleven years old I found women to be attractive. My first girl crush was a best friend to my cousin and every morning we’d walk to her house for a visit. I absolutely loved going to see her in the mornings because she greeted us in her towel. Fresh out of the shower, hair dripping, smelling like sweet honey and cocoa butter. She was from Puerto Rico and when she spoke Spanish it really, I mean “really” excited me. As an eleven year old, I had no idea what all of this meant, I just knew I looked forward to seeing her every morning. Fast forward to high school, I began meeting girls who like girls and some spoke about it very openly but I didn’t. I mean, what could I say? I still didn’t understand what I was feeling and that made it uncomfortable to discuss so I remained “in the closet.”
My first sexual experience with a girl happened when I was fifteen and continued on for years. Although I was having this experience I refused to claim any labels, telling myself “I am a straight woman, I just like having sex with women from time to time”. This was until I turned 22 and dated my first girlfriend. This is when the pressure of carrying labels came about. The people who’d known me for years knew that I only dated men so to see me with women truly confused them. That is when I learned that people use labels for comfort so that they can identify and understand you within their confined lines of what you should appear to be. But understanding this only made my life harder.
As a very well known woman, the hardest thing to do was own a label because that would’ve meant that I had to come out of the closet. Which would mean that I would be subjected to the hate, ridicule, judgments, whispers, bullying, and harassment. It was a constant battle of do I own who I am out loud and risk my popularity and safety or do I remain quiet and date girls behind closed doors? Then I realized that my remaining in the closet wasn’t healthy for neither me nor my relationship. So I decided to embrace me aloud! After 7 years I’d finally come out, but it would take me 16 years to fully accept me for me! For many reasons but the most important one was due to fear! Fear of losing family, friends, business partners, clients, and my life! I was in fear of living my truth! I allowed my fear of disappointing society to silence my voice and hide my truth but not anymore!
Today, I stand with my LGBTQ family in a constant battle to be accepted for who we are with no limitations! I am no longer hiding behind my fear of disappointing a society who doesn’t give a f*ck about me anymore than they give a damn about the homeless man on the street. Today is the day that I stand in declaration with an invitation to anyone who may be living in fear! Know that WE love you, WE get you and WE accept you! You are not a mistake. You are not mentally ill, you are not confused, you are not a disgrace! You are a HUMAN BEING, YOU ARE ENOUGH, YOU ARE LOVED, YOU ARE ACCEPTED AND YOU ARE NEEDED! I LOVE YOU!
