By: Kiyonda Hester
Song Mood: Grown by Chloe X Halle
I’m not sure if I mentioned this before but I am a social worker who currently works with children from Pre-K to 8th grade. I’m currently running “The Real Talk” girls group for 7th and 8th graders. Each one of them got the opportunity to choose the topics they wanted to discuss. The group is solely for them and I wanted to give them autonomy over what they would be discussing and learning. So I gave them index cards and told them to write anything that came to mind that they want to learn about. On the back of every index card, the word rape accompanied other words and phrases like, life, period (you know, the red dot), coming out, and getting better grades. All of my girls wanted to discuss rape because they have a strong fear of it. When I brought back the topics to my peers who have kids and those who don’t, the feeling was synonymous. Majority of them were shocked and felt “these kids are too young to be thinking or talking about this.” But are they??
I had an entire curriculum planned but that had to be adjusted when the Surviving R Kelly documentary came out. Watching the series, the only thing that kept coming to my mind is how all of my girls in my group could have been victims during that time. I knew that if there were an artist they were attracted to and had power like R Kelly, they would have been victims, hell I would have been a victim at that age. I asked all of my girls if they have seen the series and many of them said they saw their parents or guardians watching it but didn’t know all of the details.
So, for two weeks my girls and I participated in open discussions, scenario based discussion and role-playing. Each girl was also given a packet with topics, definitions, and resources for guidance. We covered the different types of rape, emotional and physical abuse, Stockholm syndrome, guilt, low self-esteem, the list goes on. On the last day, the beginning of the session, 9 out of 10 girls sunk in their chairs as they realized that they would have generally followed the behaviors and ideology that the victims in the documentary displayed. When I replaced R Kelly with another famous person that my teens might be more interested in, the girls understood. What was mind-boggling to me was there was one girl who kept saying “nope, not me.” Though I was proud, I inquired why as I assessed her.
Do you want to know the difference between the others and the 1 girl screaming “nope, not me”? …Well, She has conversations with her mother. And no, I don’t mean the “how was your day?” questions. I mean the hard conversations, about sex, relationships and the hard truths about why she can’t go outside in her neighborhood. And again no, her mother is not just saying there is violence in the neighborhood but she is explaining why and taking it back to redlining and lack of resources. This young girl has the option of going to therapy simply because her mother understands the traumas that have periled her daughter’s life and is determined to fix it in a way that she wasn’t taught. Her mother will not brush things under the rug or label anything as a family secret; she talks about these things openly with her child and balances the boundaries of mother and friend.
Parenting is NOT in any way easy but having real conversations might be easier than you think. The children are eager to speak and have their questions heard with the hope that answers will follow. If you fear that you, yourself don’t know the answers look it up with your kids, be an example to teach proper research on what you do not know. Each of the 9 young girls explained that when it came to big topics like rape or relationships they were thrown bible verses with no explanation, or told they are too young for that conversation. Some girls explained that they wouldn’t dare ask their parents because they are too afraid. Honestly, that was I; certain things I wouldn’t dare ask my parents. Growing up, I remember my parents on the phone constantly saying “they (my sister and I) know better” when being compared to the neighbor’s “fast” daughters or kids. My sister may have known but I DIDN’T KNOW ANYTHING! We can’t assume that our children know. We can’t assume that when a 30 something-year-old famous person pulls up to a high school that your child is going to know not to talk to him/her and confide in him/her or trust him/her. We can’t assume that our children know that if they were forcefully raped, that it’s not their fault and that there are cruel and hurt people in the world. We can’t assume that our kids know the warning signs to an abusive relationship. We can’t just assume that our kids know better without teaching and talking them. Fear is not an effective learning tactic; I’m sure effective communication is.
To help you with effective communication with the children you are around click on the link : https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201209/worst-mistakes-parents-make-when-talking-kids
Watching the Surviving R Kelly documentary left me emotionally drained for a while. I was constantly defending the victims. I was constantly explaining to my black men that it doesn’t matter that Hue Heffner got away with it, what is wrong is wrong. I was drained from explaining how powerful money and pride is when people asked, “Where were the parents?” Not to mention I asked many people “Did your parents know EVERYTHING you did as a teen?” many fell silent. I was pissed that WE as a culture failed the young girls mentioned in the documentary. I was worried about the children who are getting manipulated and not by a celebrity. I was worried about who is going to teach the young boys about this and why this is wrong. I started to think in a preventative way, which is why this blog came about, it is important to TALK TO OUR KIDS. This is not just for parents, but also for all who have an influence over the youth and encounter them on a regular basis. My girls gave me topics to discuss that were linked to the trauma I uncovered during the weekly sessions. Many of the girls opened up about things they have never said out loud and they were dying to get things off their chest. We have to listen to our kids, we want to protect them but a conversation can be a huge armor of protection. Once you know something, you can’t UN-know it. And I know that a conversation may not prevent forcible rape from happening but a conversation can remind that child that it’s not their fault and encourage them to speak up when it happens, instead of keeping quiet.
From personal experience, my professional opinion and reading articles of the life stages and development of children I know effective conversations with your children are essential to their growth. If you want to know when is the right time to have “real talk” with the children of today, ask them. They will tell you. You also have to ask yourself, are the topics too much for the kids or too much for you to handle?
Side Note:
We have to be careful about the words we use to describe our children. I mentioned “fast” girls or kids. This is what I heard when people were defending R Kelly. “Why are these fast girls talking to an older guy anyway?” or “We were fast too, trying to be seen by older guys.” I despise that terminology. Would you be considered a fast kid though you lacked all the knowledge of dealing with the opposite sex as well as knowledge of loving thyself? I hate the term “fast” when describing young girls who are insecure, unknowledgeable and curious. Fast indicates that they are partially to blame for the vile things that have happened to them. That’s a problematic narrative to push and falls in the socially constructed family of hoe and slut. Let’s do better. That’s just my opinion.
