I’ve been interviewing women that have survived Breast Cancer or Domestic Violence. Our next featured SURVIVOR is Alea Anderson. Here is her story:
IHTG: What is your job title/business?
Alea: I am the owner of Allure Designs in Atlanta, Georgia. We specialize in in-home paint parties, interior design services, custom paintings and jewelry.
IHTG: How old were you when the violence began?
Alea: The violence did not begin until I said, “I do” at the age of 28, however the verbal and emotional abuse began at the age of 15. I married my high school sweetheart. He was older so, manipulation, intimidation, seclusion, and name calling were some of the methods he used to easily control me. Being that I was extremely young and unaware of emotional and verbal abuse, I had no clue that I was being abused.
IHTG: Take us back to that day, how did it begin?
Alea: I think this excerpt from a book I recently co-authored where I delve into the abuse I endured explains it best:
” “I’m gonna kill you!” he yelled as I stared into his eyes. I no longer recognized him. A pool of darkness had replaced the love that once danced in his pupils. His lifeless eyes reflected no soul. The weight of his body on my chest threatened to crush me. His grip on my neck grew tighter as he gradually choked the life out of me. I stopped fighting, as my attempts to break free were futile against his brute force. I had given up.
Maybe I shouldn’t have awakened him to help me with night feedings. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him to help me bathe her. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him to watch her while I showered and used the bathroom. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked him to hold her while I cooked. After all, the answer is always “no!” I shouldn’t have upset him like this.These were my thoughts as I struggled to take what I knew would be my last breath.
After I left the first time, he promised he would never put his hands on me again. We had just found out I was pregnant with our daughter. The very next day I found myself flying across the living room and crashing into the television. I can’t remember what I had done that time to make him so upset with me. He told me I knew how to press his buttons, so I knew his rage was my fault. That night, I left and ran to my Mother’s house, fearing for my life and fearing that I would lose the baby. The next day, he called begging for me to come home. He said that he was sorry, that he wanted his family back and that he would never put his hands on me again. Me trusting his word and being under the, Battered Woman syndrome spell, I obliged. Against my better judgment and my Mother’s warning, I went back. He kept his promise throughout the rest of my pregnancy. Everything was okay, except for the occasional profanity he would use to call me everything but a child of God, but it was better than him hitting me.
Now here I was again, fighting for my life.
I heard her whimper, I couldn’t see her, but I knew she was there. I had placed her on the bed in an attempt to save her from her raging father. He must have heard her too, because in that instant, I could breath. As he released my neck, the expression on his face was one of disbelief and confusion. “I can’t believe I just did that,” he said. Coughing and gasping for air, I knew she needed me. Ignoring the pain that shot through my body, I swiftly got up, ran over to the bed, and scooped her up in my arms. As I cradled her small body, I looked down at her once dainty, pure white socks and realized my crimson blood had stained them.”
IHTG: When did you decide to fight and not succumb to the abuse?
Alea: The day I almost life is when I knew I had no choice other than to leave. Allowing myself to endure abuse was one thing, but I refused to make my daughter go through the same. I had some demons I needed to battle, but she deserved a better life and I was going to give it to her, even if it meant facing some of my biggest fears.
IHTG: What were some of the things you did to keep you motivated throughout the process?
Alea: I let God take over every aspect of my life. I allowed Him to heal my heart and mind by seeking therapy and learning to forgive. I learned that the abuse I endured was NOT my fault and that leaving my marriage was the best thing I could’ve ever done for my daughter and me.
IHTG: Tell us about the emotions you faced during your battle.
Alea: Thinking back, I realize the way I initially coped with my battle was not the healthiest method. I coped by throwing myself into a very rigid daily routine of work and family. My days and nights were purposely filled with both important and menial tasks to keep my mind so occupied that I wouldn’t have time to face the pain that I was ignoring. I ignored the abuse I went through and didn’t seek help until I had a breakdown.
I felt like a failure. Divorce was never supposed to be an option and I definitely never signed up to be a single mother. That was always a fear of mine. I was angry. I felt abandoned and betrayed. My story was not supposed to end the way it did! I was supposed to get married, have children, and live happily ever after. Well, my happily ever after never came. Instead, I was slapped with the reality of a divorce and having to move on alone.
IHTG: How has your outlook on life changed?
Alea: I realize everything I have been through was for a reason. I now know there were “seasons” that God wanted me to go through. Each season was critical in my life to learn things only He could teach me. I also know that God wants me to share my testimony so that lives can be changed.
By learning to overcome the fear of becoming a single mother, which is what kept me from leaving my marriage sooner, I learned to take control of my life. God has equipped me with renewed strength, I have put one foot in front of the other and have begun to fearlessly make plans for my future by doing what I know it will take to thrive and survive. My story is still in the making; I still have a long way to go. I know it will not be easy, but I also know that with God, I can do ANYTHING! He IS!
IHTG: What brings you joy?
Alea: Knowing that the decisions I made to leave my marriage and to tell my story saved my life, my daughter’s life and will hopefully save the lives of others.
IHTG: What would you like people to know about Domestic Violence?
Alea: A lot of individuals who suffer from abuse stay in abusive relationships for “love.” I know it’s cliche, but love doesn’t hurt. If it hurts, it’s something else.
IHTG: What would you like your legacy to be?
Alea: With God, you CAN!
